Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
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Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit