Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
You Might Also Like
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?