ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)