Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
This one’s “Alex”.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
who called it hell and not heaven’t
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
is there nothing we can trust anymore
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.