Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
You Might Also Like
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Meeeee too!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.