My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Yup!
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.