*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
And that about sums it up.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.