You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
You Might Also Like
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.