[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
describing stardew valley
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance