I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
wow
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.