Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?