*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny