there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.