To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.