Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.