INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.