“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
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So true for me
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to