*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
#FunnyLife Insects
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Every damn time
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.