Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Fries, not lies.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*skinny dips into black hole
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.