If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.