I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive