I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Damn he played himself
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.