She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You Might Also Like
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.