WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.