I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.