some things should go without saying
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.