Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.