I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Best spot.. 😅
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.