[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?