I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Finally! 😈
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.