Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
You Might Also Like
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
it is time once again
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”