Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.