I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.