Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
is nasa ok
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.