Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Tuesday
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me trying to “trust the process”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’ll be mad as hell!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?