I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Still my favourite meme.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.