Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
😂😂
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀