someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
These are too funny not to post 😂
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.