Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”