My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
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My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Wake me when AI does housework
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?