“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You Might Also Like
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems