If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules