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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
all bases covered
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
me
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.