[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I see your IQ test came back negative
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.