Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
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Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent