Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??