ok this is my dumbest yet
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Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that