Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Yep.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.