Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.