if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away